Mourning

I have struggled in my life and guess what? I will struggle more. I was molested by 4 different uncles and cousins from the age of about 3 to about 12. I had a typical abusive childhood. My parents called me all sorts of names including witch and spawn of the devil. Of course I was beaten by both ends of the belt. Once I was married to my high school sweetheart and have had 4 incredible children I naively thought OK the rest of my life will be amazing. I guess it can still be amazing but every turn, it has to be redefined. My brother died in 2008 and I thought that would be the hardest thing I would ever go through as my extended and my parent's family verbally attacked his family. I felt the need to defend them. My father died 2015 while my daughter, Marissa was on a mission to the Philippines. I didn't have the best relationship with my parents but I really cried for all the hard times I felt with my siblings but more so because I knew that my daughter, Marissa was going to have to struggle with her mental health again. I knew the mourning was going to be unbearable for her. Her episodes started the first time after EFY before going to girls camp when she had difficulty reconciling playing soccer on Sundays while she was on a traveling soccer team. Her next episodes happened in 2008 when both my husband's aunt and my brother was passing away. The last episode we had encountered as a family was during the time she was going away to college. I should have taken her to the hospital then. She was not a danger to herself or society but it would have been an opportune time to figure out what she has. She may have had episodes in college but somehow she got through it with my in-laws' help. They made a few trips to Utah. She was in constant counseling and treatment. She didn't do well as she focused all her energies on her mental health but she graduated and got through it. I was worried about the mission. When people said congratulations, I always said congratulate me when she completes it. Underneath it all, I somehow knew that the mental illness might creep back in. She seemed to be doing well until my father passed. And now she is mourning her grandfather as well as her mission. I am mourning my father as well as the daughter I once knew. I just need to see that our lives and relationship needs to get redefined. I love my children and need to be the wife and mother they deserve and so I am learning. We went to my father's grave site today. I cried knowing what my daughter was struggling with. I remembered her patriarchal blessing that she was going to be an instrument in her father's conversion and realized that her illness was the tool for him to believe in the Almighty. I know we will be an eternal family someday and know she will have the blessings of an eternal marriage as well. I love all my children and hope the absolute best for them. I will fast for us all until the next struggle comes along.